Harmonious Relationships:
Achieving Intimacy and Assertiveness

Guidelines for successful romances, friendships, and relationships of many types

Harmonious Relationships:
Achieving Intimacy and Assertiveness

Tom G. Stevens PhD

Index

Information and Quick Tips

Free Research-Proven Questionnaire to Assess Relationship Success Factors  

Conversational and Other Skills for Meeting People, Dating, and Developing Intimate Relationships

Developing Greater Self-Worth, Body Image, and Self-Confidence to Help Interpersonal Relations

Become More Internally Controlled and Assertive; and Less Influenced by Others

Overcoming Fears of Rejection 

 Conflict and Control Issues: A Common Cause of Relationship Problems

Common Types of Control Dynamics In Relationships

Assertive--Assertive, "Win-Win," Intimate Relationship Principles
Balance Giving and Receiving

Problems with Too Much Anger or Aggressiveness

What if I feel distrust and anger over previous abuse?

Common Factors Underlying Relationship Success

INFORMATION AND SOME QUICK TIPS 

Intimacy skills and behavior are the root of closeness and love. Our research found a correlation of more than .70 between our intimacy skills scale and relationship happiness.

 When people mysteriously fall out of love, it is often because the intimacy disappears. Lack of communication and sexual intimacy can destroy an otherwise good relationship. Communication intimacy consists primarily of self-disclosure (give information) and empathetic listening (receive information) skills.  

Most people think they are good at both.  They probably meet minimal skill levels.  But few people are very good at both.  Look at your score on our SHAQ intimacy scale. 

Good self-disclosure means being open about telling what your emotions are as you talk and revealing your innermost thoughts and feelings to someone you trust.  It means telling what your dreams, hopes, interests, goals, and plans are to that person. 

It also means communicating both positive and negative feelings about your partner in a loving and constructive manner.  The overwhelming majority of comments would be honest compliments. If you don't honestly feel that way about your partner, then the relationship probably has serious problems that you may need to address in counseling or elsewhere. See our conflict resolution skills help.

Good empathetic listening skills involve some of the following qualities:

• Listen to the CONTENT of what the person actually said.

• Be aware of the EMOTIONS (fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, love, happiness, etc) your partner is expressing.

• Try to understand the UNDERLYING ISSUES behind their words.  What is the bigger issue that they may be afraid to talk about or be unaware of themselves? These issues relate to their top goals and fears in life, to their self-esteem, to their fears about whether you love them or not, etc.

• SUMMARIZE. Tell your partner what your understanding of both his/her EMOTIONS and main points are. Give your partner time to say whether your understanding is correct or not.  DON'T ASSUME ANYTHING--don't just assume that you understand correctly and respond without checking with them.

• LET YOUR PARTNER FINISH BEFORE YOU START.  Let your partner give his/her complete position or tell the whole story before you interject your point of view.  Just summarize their point of view and ask questions that help them explore to show your interest and understanding.

In  addition good intimacy skills involve:

• Avoiding negative labels and dogmatic statements about your partner.

• Good eye contact and attentive body position.

• A calm, loving tone of voice almost all of the time--even during conflict.

• Frequent compliments and "I love your" or "I care for you" type statements or actions.

• A willingness to listen and compromise.

Developing  (and using) good intimacy skills can have a dramatic effect on not only your love relationships, but your friendships and your work relationships as well.

Return to Index

SKILLS FOR MEETING PEOPLE, DATING, AND DEVELOPING INTIMACY

If you want to develop friendships, dating relationships, or progress from dating to committed relationships, then the detailed guide, Skills For Meeting People, Dating, and
Developing Intimacy, can be very helpful.  I strongly suggest that you read it.  It can also help with issues related to fears of rejection and past histories of not doing well meeting people or developing intimate relationships (romantic or friendship). 

==> Go to www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/conversational_skills.htm to view your free copy.

DEVELOPING GREATER SELF-ESTEEM, BODY IMAGE, and SELF-CONFIDENCE CAN IMPROVE INTIMACY and RELATIONSHIPS

Sometimes people have trouble being themselves or being open with others because they lack self-confidence.  They may be too worried about what others think, about losing approval, or about being rejected.  If this may be a problem for you, then see our help sections below:

Go to our help pages on Self-Esteem and Internal Control and Assertiveness.

==> For developing greater self-confidence, overcoming body image issues, or improving self-acceptance of parts of yourself you don't feel good about,
read the book Chapter 5 on Self-Worth and Self-Confidence, go to www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/h5-self.htm

BECOME MORE INTERNALLY CONTROLLED and ASSERTIVE; and NOT SO INFLUENCED BY OTHERS

Do you constantly worry about what others think of you?  Do you focus on pleasing others or doing what they want? Do you worry more about other people's problems than your own?  Do you let others make decisions for you?  Are you too dependent on others for emotional, financial, or other support?

If you answer "yes" to any of these questions, then being too Externally Controlled may be an underlying reason why you are not as assertive or independent as you could be to maximize your own happiness and confidence in interacting with others.

==>  To become more Internally Controlled,  read Chapter 6 on Developing Internal Control at www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/h6-intern.htm

FEAR OF REJECTION AS AN INTIMACY/RELATIONSHIP FACTOR

Often people with strong motivation for intimacy who could be good friends or lovers to others simply don't succeed because they lack self-confidence or are afraid of rejection or other negative consequences.  That is sad!  I have helped many people overcome lack of self-confidence (see reference above) and fear of rejection.  Many of them were college students who had never had a date.

==> For overcoming fears of rejection,  read, Overcoming Fears of Rejection at  www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/c-reject.htm

 PROBLEMS IN RELATIONSHIPS ARE OFTEN DUE TO IMBALANCES IN GIVING 
OR "CONTROL ISSUE" PROBLEMS

Many problems in relationships are due to our own belief system which gives us an aggressive (dominating) or nonassertive (submissive) stance. This often leads to a "control" imbalance. This control imbalance almost always increases feelings of resentment and distance.

For example a person with a more nonassertive style might begin feeling resentment and distance and begin to withdraw and to want more "space".

It is thus ironic how two people who may have become friends or lovers because one is more "strong" and aggressive and the other is more "agreeable" and nonassertive end up breaking up due to those same underlying characteristics.

ASSERTIVE ("I WIN--YOU WIN") POSITION

It means being sensitive to my own and other peoples' feelings and exploring those feelings to achieve a deeper understanding of the thoughts and beliefs that cause those feelings. It means using open, honest, understanding, and caring communication.

The rewards of the assertive position include (1) being happy myself because I take care of myself well, (2) being happy giving gifts that help you be happy, (3) receiving gifts from you out of your genuine caring back, and (4) both of us feel an increased self-esteem and closeness.

AGGRESSIVE ("I WIN--YOU LOSE") POSITION

Being aggressive (or domineering) generally involves having a belief system that puts my values and needs above yours almost to the exclusion of yours.

"BULLY TYPE" Control: The dominant/aggressive person uses some form of mental, physical, monetary, or other type of power to force or manipulate their partner.

"CON TYPE" Control: The dominant/aggressive person uses deception, lying, charm, and other verbal skills to persuade the person into doing what they want.  He/she may be a "super-salesman" at it.  The difference between "con" behavior and good, assertive communication is that the con person is lying and doesn't plan to keep his/her word.  The assertive person is strictly honest and always intends to keep his word.

"JUDGMENTAL" Control: The dominant/aggressive person relies on rules or a "holier than thou" approach to keep their partner feeling guilty and off-balance.  The judgmental person takes the position that they are morally right, have God or some other power of right on their side and that their partner is morally wrong, stupid, or some in some other way not being "good," "intelligent," "kind," "considerate," "assertive," "loving," or something else that is valued by them.  The manipulative person uses these labels, etc. to get control and get their way more than because they just are trying to help the person.  Or, they may take the role of a parent constantly with a person who doesn't need parenting.

• The positive and negative outcomes of aggressive (or domineering) behavior. The rewards for being aggressive include:
  (1) control--getting what we want most of the time from people who allow it, and 
  (2) validation--maintaining our own beliefs. The disadvantages of being aggressive are that it typically increases other's feelings of fear, resentment, distance, and distrust of us. Others often feel a lowered self-esteem due to being dominated.
  
• In the end the dominated person may reject the dominator for the very "strength" that attracted them to him in the first place.
  
• Most lack intimacy skills. Rejection increases their own feelings of loneliness and inadequacy in the area of intimacy.
  
  

NONASSERTIVE ("I LOSE--YOU WIN") POSITION

Being nonassertive generally means having a belief system which emphasizes putting your needs or point of view ahead of my own. Often willing to go to great lengths or at great cost to myself to please the other person--even if I get little else in return.

In the long run they loose interest and respect for me and end up rejecting me after all.

Passive control. "sneaky" ways where the passive partner hopes to not get caught.

The positive and negative outcomes of nonassertiveness. The rewards for nonassertiveness include (1) having my needs "taken care of" by someone else, (2) being a "nice guy" that others like because they always get their way with me, (3) getting others' sympathy and support, (4) avoiding anxiety, responsibilities, or having to overcome fears.  Return to INDEX

COMMON  TYPES OF CONTROL DYNAMICS OF RELATIONSHIPS

PRACTICE UNDERSTANDING: For each relationship type and each "side" of the relationship, visualize and analyze a relationship where you have been in that role or position.


DYNAMICS OF AGGRESSIVE--NONASSERTIVE ("WIN-LOSE") RELATIONSHIPS

The dynamics of the "traditional" marriage (note: many in many relationships the woman is the dominant partner). The irony is that she may have been initially attracted to him and married him because he was so "strong", "masculine", "decisive", and "sure of himself". And he may have initially been attracted to her because she was so "emotionally responsive", playful, so "nice", and "needed" him so much.  
* He may be used to making planning, making decisions, and being able to use assertive or manipulative communication to get what he wants.  He is used to focusing on his goals and overcoming the objections of others.  He may feel very confident that he can take good care of himself and of someone else too.  He may be attracted to someone who sees him as "big and strong."  He may be afraid t be with someone he considers his "equal," because he may lose control and she may be independent enough to leave him.   Someone who needs him is much safer, because she is less likely to leave him.

* She may be used to trying to be accepted by others and please them.  She may be used to listening to others and doing what they say.  She may not be confident in her own goals, decisions, and skills.  She may not be used to being assertive and persistently persuing what she wants.  She may be afraid of conflict, while he may not.  She may lack the confidence to be on her own and feel very dependent upon him.

* The result is that he becomes dominant  and possibly aggressive in the relationship and she becomes submissive.  Over the years her self-esteem usually diminishes.  She may become depressed because she does not feel free and happy to be who she wants.  She may resent her partner and feel the love slip away due to that resentment.  Yet she may feel so dependent upon him and so afraid of being alone that she doesn't leave him until she becomes very miserable. Her only way out is to develop her interests, herself, and her assertiveness. She needs to learn how to take care of herself and not be dependent upon her husband for her needs or happiness. 

* He may also feel his love slip away.  Overall, he may be the more satisfied of the two, because he at least has more control.   On the other hand, the person he loved has mysteriously become unhappy, depressed, and resentful of him.  She is no longer the fun, happy-go-lucky person he dated.  She may have little interest in fun or sex.  She may have become "boring" to him because she is so easy to control and because she has not developed her interests, herself, and her self-esteem.  She may have become sloppy or care less for her appearance as well.  His only way out is to learn to listen to her, give her more love and control, and encourage her self-development.

* It could be that these dynamics appear in just one area of a relationship.  Or, it may be that the man is dominant in one area and the woman in another.  Yet the dynamics may still make both unhappy in that relationship area.

DYNAMICS OF AGGRESSIVE--AGGRESSIVE (HIGH CONFLICT) RELATIONSHIPS

When two aggressive or domineering people get together, they tend to have a lot of conflict and fight a lot.  These relationships tend to be low in intimacy, because the partners do not trust revealing weaknesses to each other.  They must both learn to listen,  give up control,  and give many love gifts to each other (see below).

DYNAMICS OF NONASSERTIVE--NONASSERTIVE (PASSIVE-PASSIVE) RELATIONSHIPS

These relationships tend to be relationships in which both parties avoid making decisions and each bend over backwards to please the other or relationships in which they interact very little at all.  Both need to learn how to take care of themselves better and learn how to self-disclose, actively listen, make assertive requests when they want something from the other.  They may also need to learn how to give more gifts to each other.  They also usually need to quit avoiding dealing with problems individually as well as alone.   They may each also need to work on building self-esteem.

Return to INDEX

ASSERTIVE "WIN-WIN" RELATIONSHIPS: Loving Myself and Loving You

==> To read a more complete Assertion Training/Conflict Resolution manual,
go to www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/assertion_training.htm

1. LOVING MYSELF--A Summary

If I can't make myself happy, others can't do it for me.
If I can't make myself happy, how can I contribute much to the happiness of others.
Why would someone want to stay in a relationship with someone who is miserable?

• I love myself and value my own happiness as part of my ultimate concern (in balance with my concern for the happiness of others) (See chapter 1 of my book to learn more about this)

• I am the person most responsible for meeting my needs and for my happiness
  
• Others are primarily responsible for their own happiness.
  
• I take good care of each area of my life.
  
• I was given the gift of a mind and body that's first function is to take care of itself.
  
• I have power to make myself happy by internal routes and external routes.
• I will develop my life skills to help me more effectively use both internal and external routes to happiness:

• I will always seek the truth first, but when in doubt I will choose to believe the view that creates the most happiness
  
  Return to INDEX
  
  

• LOVE MEANS CARING THAT THE OTHER IS TRULY HAPPY--And giving them freedom to choose.
  *I love myself when I make my own happiness my life goal. I love others to the degree that their happiness becomes important to me.
  *Part of loving is letting go and letting the other person take responsibility for their own happiness. That means normally attempting to give them what they ask for not what we think they need.
  *"Tough Love"--letting them take the consequences of their bad habits--not "overprotecting."
  
  
• THE INTIMACY LEVEL OF A RELATIONSHIP WILL HAVE ITS NATURAL MAXIMUM LIMIT
  *Each potential relationship will reach its own natural maximum level of closeness.
  
  
• WHAT IF I CONSISTENTLY CHOOSE OTHERS FOR RELATIONSHIPS THAT END?
  1--I AM CHOOSING PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT GOOD MATCHES.
  2--I CAN CHOOSE TO CHANGE MYSELF TO BE MORE THE WAY I REALLY WANT TO BE.
  
  LOVE AND MEMORY OF ANOTHER HAS NO END--BUT RELATIONSHIPS ALL BEGIN AND END
  
  My love and memories for the person(s) never end.
  Relationships have beginnings and ends.
  
• I will only stay in a relationship as long as I am "happy enough" within the relationship.
  
• I will try to resolve problems with a person I care about.
  Return to INDEX
  

3. BALANCE GIVING AND RECEIVING

• I HAVE ALREADY RECEIVED MORE THAN I CAN EVER GIVE (Abundance Thinking--See book Chapter 4)
  The creative forces gave me life, persons who took care of my survival and most basic needs, and a world full of opportunities for me to meet my own needs and happiness.
  
  
• LOVE OR FRIENDSHIP IS A GIFT--FOR WHICH I AM GRATEFUL.  
  No one owes me their love or liking--not even my parents or partner.
  
  
• I may secretly believe I manipulate others to love me--they would never love me for "who I am."  If so, I need to work on my self-esteem (See chapter 5 in book).
  
  
• I only care to be loved by someone who will love me as I really am.  How can I be happy with them if they don't? I will always be hiding who I am and trying to be someone I don't want to be just to please them.
  
  
• WE WILL BOTH BE HAPPIER IF WE ONLY GIVE OUT OF FEELINGS OF LOVE, GRATITUDE, AND ABUNDANCE (vs OBLIGATION) (To learn more about this, go to chapter 3 in my book.)
  If I feel that people "are forcing me" to give or I am giving only because "I should", then I am not giving out of true love and caring and I will feel some resentment from it.
  
  
• I GIVE PRIMARILY BECAUSE GIVING MAKES ME HAPPIER TO SEE YOU HAPPY
  
• FEELINGS OF LOVE AND CLOSENESS ARE INCREASED BY MUTUAL GIVING
  When two people both (1) give out of genuine love and understanding (of their partner's needs/wants) and (2) give enough to surpass what their partner expects from them, then each will find their feelings of love and closeness increasing and the relationship will grow stronger.
  
  
• I may have been hurt by others in the past and feel distrust and anger.
  
  
• Feelings of love and closeness are the opposite of resentment. Feelings of resentment and "distance" brought on by a belief in an imbalance of giving are often the cause of romantic/sexual problems.
  
  
• Both partners may believe "I am giving less than I am receiving" or both may believe "I am giving more than I am receiving"
  The problem may be either (1) they do not understand what really makes their partner happy, (2) they do not want (or have) to give what their partner really wants, and/or (3) their partner is not taking care of their own needs enough to provide so that they are like a "BOTTOMLESS PIT" in some need area. In the third case, they are so dependent on their partner, that no one could "make them happy".
  
  
• Beliefs in "bad intentions" increase anger and distance.
  
• We may give different kinds of gifts that become "trade-offs"
  First, give those gifts (of time, energy, etc) that you:
  1--enjoy the most,
  2--are the most skilled at, and/or
  3--are the most important to you.
  These three leave a lot of room for creating an overall balance in most relationships.
  Another type of "trade-off" might be a situation where trades are made over time.
  
  
• Trade-off's used to "motivate" my partner.
  Can be a good idea. However, relationships that involve too many specific trade-offs or that involve one person doing this a lot more than the other tend to develop into more aggressive types of relationships--so beware!
  
• Being together and having fun together increases intimacy.
  Planning in regular times and activities to have fun together and keeping negativity out of those times is an important step toward rebuilding feelings of closeness.
  
  
• "Assuming togetherness" versus "assuming separateness"
  If we "assume separateness", we assume that we will only be together when we both want.
  
• Saying "I care" and "You are special" are the most important gifts
  
• Giving genuine compliments (and avoiding critical comments) builds feelings of closeness
  
• I will monitor the "overall balance of giving" (Approximately 50%-50% if we disagree initially?)
  
  
• I will be assertive about prolonged imbalances in giving--not good for either in long run.
  
  
• I WILL NOT BE DEPENDENT UPON YOU TO MEET ANY OF MY NEEDS--I WILL DEPEND UPON MYSELF
  I will not expect you to meet any of my needs--I am responsible for meeting my own needs and making myself happy. This lack of coercion helps keep you from resenting me and feeling more distance toward me. Instead you are more likely to feel trust, freedom, love, and closeness to me.
  
  
• LOVING MEANS GIVING YOU WHAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPIEST--Inferred but not clearly stated above.
  
  
• LOVING MEANS UNDERSTANDING AND ENCOURAGING YOUR INDIVIDUALITY
  
  
• EMPATHETIC LISTENING AND EXPLORING ISSUES IN DEPTH IS THE WAY TO DISCOVER WHAT YOU REALLY WANT AND NEED (See self-help handout for more help on this)
  
  
• I WILL NORMALLY GIVE YOU WHAT YOU SAY YOU WANT--EVEN IF I THINK THAT IS NOT BEST FOR YOU. 
  HOWEVER, THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS if you are clearly and strongly going against your own happiness/health or that of others.
  
  
• LOVING MEANS GIVING WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN
  Discussed above.
  Return to INDEX
  

I (WITH MY PARTNER) CREATE THE KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WE WILL HAVE

Operating under the forces of love and understanding will usually win out in the long run. Our relationship will reach its full potential--given the other factors that affect our intimacy level.

IF I CAN CREATE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE PERSON, I CAN CREATE AT LEAST THAT GOOD A RELATIONSHIPS WITH SOMEONE ELSE

If I am capable of creating mutually loving relationships which allow both parties to love themselves as well as the other, I become very appealing to others who want that type of relationship.

PROBLEMS WITH ANGER OR AGGRESSIVENESS IN RELATIONSHIPS

WARNING:  A Single outbursts of anger, name-calling, or physical aggression can cause permanent damage to a relationship--especially when it is relatively new.

If you lose your temper at your partner, or even in-front-of your partner, that can cause many people to either end the relationship or become afraid of you.  Fear of a person is the opposite of trust, closeness, and intimacy.  So even if your partner doesn't seem to react to your anger or aggressiveness, you are certainly undermining these basic feelings which eat away at their love for you.  When clients told me they gradually fell "out of love" with their partner, it was frequently due to many events over time in which they either felt controlled or intimidated by their partner.  For those of you who have a temper, but would never harm your partner (and inside know you are really a "pussycat," I must tell you that your partner may not know that and instead view you as aggressive, out-of-control, and afraid they don't know your limits.  If you ever lose your temper in front of your partner or to your partner, then you should read the guide below.

==>  To learn to reduce problems with anger and aggression, read Overcome Anger and Aggression at www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/b-anger.htm

WHAT IF I FEEL DISTRUST AND ANGER OVER PREVIOUS ABUSE?

• Recognize the power I do have now.
  
• Make a commitment to choose to be happy myself above all else.
  
• Learn to interact with other people more effectively. 
  1-I will learn that not all people are abusers.
  2-I will learn how to tell potential abusers for potential friends or "kind" people who really may be different than anyone I have ever known well.
  3-I will accept some responsibility for how most people react to me.
  4-I will learn ways that I may be upsetting some people and actually help cause some of the negative reactions to me. I will examine and get feedback about how I avoid people, use negative or hostile "body language", say negative or threatening things, or even dress differently in ways that contribute to people developing an negative image or even fear of me.
  
  
• Appreciate the positive gifts I have had in my life--even if they seem few.
  My gifts also include the OPPORTUNITIES and POTENTIAL for greater happiness in my life.
  
  
• Learn to replace my "fairness" doctrine with a "happiness doctrine"
  
  

• Learn to understand and forgive my abusers
  
  (See Overcome Anger and Aggression for more help on dealing with anger, abuse, forgiveness, etc.)

Return to INDEX

TAKE A FREE QUESTIONNAIRE TO ASSESS FACTORS RELATED TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP SUCCESS

The free Success and Happiness Attributes Questionnaire (SHAQ) has several scales which can help you understand underlying causes (both internal and external behaviors) that can be affecting your relationship success in many types of relationships.  Research has shown that SHAQ's relationship scales correlate very well with relationships success outcomes.  SHAQ specializes in more intimate type relationships, and conflict resolution.

=> To get more information about SHAQ or complete it, go to:  www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/success

BRIEF LIST OF COMMON CAUSES UNDERLYING FAILURE OR SUCCESS IN RELATIONSHIPS
=> Go to:  www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/rel-suc.htm

OTHER INTERNET LINKS 

Developing Intimacy Beliefs and Skills

CSULB=> Improving Communication, Intimacy, and Conflict Resolution
Information about beliefs and specific skills that help establish good relationships of any type, but focus more on close interpersonal relationships. Step-by-step help.
Dr. Tom Stevens 
http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/c14-lisn.htm 

CSULB=> Testing factors related to relationship success.  Take SHAQ (Success and Happiness Attributes Questionnaire) and focus on relationship and intimacy subtests.
http://http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/success

***Virtual Pamphlet Collection of the University of Chicago--SEE RELATIONSHIPS, ASSERTIVENESS
Free online pamphlets about relationships and many other topics written by psychologists and other counselors from University Counseling Centers across U.S.A.
http://counseling.uchicago.edu/vpc

***American Psychology Association Free online search for self-help topics.
Good information, but much not written for general public.
http://www.apa.org/psychnet/

**Nine ‘Psychological Tasks’ Needed for a Good Marriage 
Judith S. Wallerstein, PhD
http://helping.apa.org/family/marriage.html

Self-Help and other resources on this website (and site map)